Leya 99 #11 | this bearable passion

running from the not knowing

image by Verawaty

Meant to be. We mostly think about love when it comes to these words, but this time it’s about a house. My new place. A studio that is rented by the lady I talked about and I am allowed to be her next tenant. I managed to move in immediately thanks to Jenny who took over my other room which my landlord happily agreed with. All I moved was my computer, books and some clothes so the studio is pretty much empty right now. I let Jenny keep the bed and the lady had a spare mattress I could use as long as I needed. The space will be furnished and decorated in time.

The lady is a dancer as well and somehow she was immediately smitten by me. We had a wonderful talk and somehow I told her about the situation with my mother. Her response was very empathic and she told me she lost her late husband to cancer. Since his death she ‘s renting the extra space in her house. She’s living on the ground and first floor, the space I live in is on the second floor. It’s a plan her and her late husband established when he became ill. He didn’t want her to be alone, she didn’t want to marry again, so they created this studio on the second floor she could rent.

I do feel lucky to have found this and somehow I believe that with pursuing my passions and goals, this is what I’ve come across with. You have to take risks first before reaching the next step you need to take. Renting the small room was one of the risks. I never knew if that was a good choice for me. I don’t even know if dancing is a good choice or studying philosophy. Sometimes I think I should’ve chosen a study like medicine or law. A study that will lead to a proper career. I don’t even know if philosophy is a good foundation for a good career, I don’t even know what I want to do. I don’t know.

All I know is that everything I am doing now, is what I’m passionate about. Is what my life makes bearable. Hopefully this bearable passion also gives me answers. A form of fulfillment of the empty chapters in my life. Not knowing is so familiar for me, that it has become part of my life. Even as the continuous search for answers and attempts to fill the blank pages. While I succeed in adding new chapters to my story, I do not succeed in finding the missing chapters. 

That emptiness, the not knowing, makes me run faster in my escape to my fantasies. This house, this room, this study, is one chapter that’s a match to the life I had in mind in the city. Somehow, next to everything that is missing, the wandering and pleasures seem to save me from the burden of the emptiness.

This is why the wigs are such an important part of my life, my personality, the person I will become one day. In the end the fantasy is what will become the reality of my life. I wonder whether that is possible. Time will tell. 

love & kisses,

Leya