Leya 99 #12 | pursuing the real me

getting serious with a blurred vision

image by Verawaty

How can you truly know who you are? How can you know that what you are doing is truly what you will become? That is what many young students struggle about. In the eyes of my fellow students, I’m living the dream. This week we were discussing our plans for the Y2K celebrations, the new years eve when we go from 1999 to 2000. I will be in the club dancing and I’ve told this to my classmates. It was the first time I mentioned my dancing job to more classmates and now they seem to recognize me more. I was afraid they would look down on me, but they didn't. Some of them even plan to visit the club where I will be dancing. Jenny can’t be there due to family appointments, which is explainable.

It’s nice when people show interest in what you’re doing and what you’re working so hard for. It also feels weird, because I always doubt the steps that I am taking, no matter how wonderful they may seem. Of course the fantasy is what I enjoy to perform, but the last few weeks I realize that I can’t escape reality with fantasy. Facing reality can be better if you want to grow. I realized that with my studies. If I make my dancing a priority, it will influence my study performances in a negative way and that’s not what I want.

As much as I love dancing, it’s not a career I’m pursuing. Unlike some other dancers in my group. Next to the club dancing, I also take lessons in the city two nights a week and join the training for the club dancing. The lessons and training is sufficient for me, while other dancers train every day and some even attend one of the dance academies in the Netherlands. A dance academy was never my ambition, I’m not sure what was. When I needed to choose a study, I didn’t think about a dance career. I followed a philosophy course once I was inspired by and that’s the reason I decided to study philosophy. Not knowing there was so much reading that was expected.

I even read at my parents home more often and my parents are surprised by the seriousness I show. My father even told me he was a bit worried I would become too serious and mentioned that I could live in the city more if I wanted. You’re only young once he said. It’s something I consider, but I can’t leave my mom too often. I want to spend time with her too. I don’t know how long she will be with us until her health declines more or worse. 

It’s difficult. Right now my decisions are blurred with the situation of my mothers health. I could take this out of the decision making, create an image of a life I would lead if she was in perfect health. If that was the case, I still would split my time between Utrecht and my parents house. Because health is just a small factor. Your parents are not. I’m not ready to take the big step to the city yet. I’m just beginning. And who I am now, is what I’m content with. In 2000, Leya could be so much different. You never know what the next millennium will bring to the table.

love and kisses,

Leya