Leya 99 #9 | bloody blurry me

through the mist of uncertainty and doubts

image by Verawaty

It took me a while to accept the way I am living now. It’s not standard. I’m not like the regular student walking around at university here. I don’t dress like anybody else and I don’t want to, but there are moments I wished I was more like the mainstream. Luckily philosophy is a study with a mix of people and it seems I even have a nice friend, which I’m saying very carefully, because I’m not familiar with friends. Not at school anyway. They accepted me, liked me, but I was not popular. I did have a group I could be with at school, but I was always in my own world. 

Now it seems that my new friend is pretty much the same, in her own lovely way. Her name is Jenny, a quiet, smart and brave girl. Brave enough to spend her time at university anyway, but she will be staying with me next weekend, because she is curious about the work I do. So she will accompany me at the club next Thursday through Saturday. I did warn her about the schedule, but that’s fine with her.

This is a new step for me. Trusting someone in my life, especially this life to be honest. It makes me realize that wearing the wigs and sparkling outfits do make me feel more vulnerable to people outside my club life. It feels like I’m showing them my bloody blurry me. The girl who dances with wigs and make-up. I would rather show them the passionate, smart, intelligent Leya. The one I am at night in my study room. The one wearing the big glasses with a big cup of tea next to her 600 pages study book. 

This is where I’m home, when I’m reading. The dancing is all show, it’s trying to have fun when all I want to do is cry and scream, because I’m worried about my mother. Her disease that’s taking her away from me, from all of us and I can’t stop it. Nothing can. I decided to study philosophy with the hope I could understand life that is unfolding around me. The life of the beloved mother who raised me, changing and disappearing in front of me. The life of my biological mother who’s image I can’t remember, but her existence is so pure in my heart. 

Every once in a while, all those feelings, the thoughts, the doubts and insecurities come together in one piece of mist that takes away every need for any fantasy. The more I spend time on my studies, the more my thoughts are spinning about my existence in this world and that’s when everything becomes a blurry mess in my mind. Those moments don’t vanish with fantasies, only during my dark nights of quietness and reading.

Love & kisess,

Leya