The Leya Experience #13 | an escape of silenced existence

unanswered remains

image by Verawaty

Sometimes the doubt of my existence gets to me. The hollow questions that are never fulfilled. The continuous emptiness that remains a mystery without an explanation. People say I think too much, that I should stop questioning everything and just be. Just live and exist. Those are the people who don’t understand the meaning of dancing. That’s exactly the moment all my questions and doubts silence where sounds and dance appear. 

Yes it’s an escape and a beautiful way to be alive. That’s why I treasure the questions in my mind. They’re not meant for trouble, they’re meant to explore, to grow and experiment with events and circumstances I can’t control. Life is everything about the unexpected, I know that. It’s all the unexpected that happened that makes me question everything that is unknown.

Let’s just live is just an easy way to tell someone to stop talking, to stop facing reality. Escape is wonderful, but one way or the other, reality hits us whether we want to or not. 

I escaped the reality of adoption for so long that I don’t even recognize my own escape anymore. It’s just a way of life. In my mind I’m just as Dutch as my friends, but I’m not. I’m smaller, tiny, have long black hair and light brown skin. I often forget about my Indonesian looks, there are even moments when I think I look like my Dutch mom, but I don’t.

Existence is all in your head. It’s what you believe and feel inside. Even though I don’t look like a Dutch lady, after all these years the Dutch existence has become part of me and it’s not something I can escape. It’s the Indonesian part of me that’s all about the questions, it has become the silenced mystery created by endless questions that remain unanswered until this day.

Love and light 

Leya