The Leya Experience #9 | untamed restlessness

escaping the paradox of guilt

image by Verawaty

There are moments I feel guilty for not searching for my real parents. There are moments I feel guilty about researching my background. This is what you can call the painful paradox of life and love. Yes, it may have been a wonderful chance for me growing up in the Netherlands, especially with the wealthy parents who raised me and could afford the study and life I was living. 

But do we know for sure I wouldn’t have that kind of life without them? In Indonesia I could have been a dancer and a writer as well. Or maybe I would have found a way to escape Indonesia when I became older to pursue my dancer and writer's dream.

On the other hand, I fantasize about this with the western experiences I gained in my 43 years. Perhaps if I grew up in Indonesia, I didn’t even know gogo dancing existed and if I would’ve seen it I considered it a vulgar way of dancing in every way. 

Still I don’t know if what I’m doing is right or wrong. Not searching, not questioning, questioning and researching everything. This is the restlessness of me that still isn’t tamed to settle. Seems like I will always be this restless silver butterfly. Trying to shine on stage to forget the paradox of emotions for one night. When I dance, only music silences the questions and my body takes over to heal and survive the night until the next morning.

Love and Light,

Leya