The Leya Papers #5 | into the night

the obligations of joy

image by Verawaty

Stan was afraid I got a little down and he took me to the Woo again where I met Hidde. He was there with his friends and was surprised to see me. This night I wasn’t up for show and sensation and somehow he noticed my mellow mood. Believe it or not, but we spent the whole night together in the city. While Stan hooked up with some girls, Hidde and I decided to chase the nightlife in Utrecht. Not clubbing, but actually walking through the streets of Utrecht.

After a few hours we sat on a bench in a park overlooking one of the waters surrounding the monumental pathways of Utrecht. He told me he was taken by my seriousness, that I wasn’t afraid to show the real me. I didn’t wear my wig, I didn’t even where fancy clothing. Just a jeans skirt with a dark red shirt and high black boots. Mascara was my only makeup this evening. He liked this. He liked the other Leya as well. Now he realized who I really was, the real Leya.

I told him about my mom and somehow he understood. Not that he’s familiar with the situation, but he was understanding for my feelings and suddenly asked me what I wanted. Did I like the dancing? I did, I do, without any doubt. That’s where my heart is.

Did I enjoy my study? Without any doubt, I love studying, the reading, university, everything.

Did I enjoy the nightlife? Yes I do, I love going outside, feed my curiosity with visiting clubs and meet new people like him.

He smiled and said I am living dream, because I do what I’m passionate about. He doesn’t. All he does is act out of obligation, he has no idea where his passion, love and joy might be. 

‘Maybe that is why met you. You are the first person where I see and feel pure freedom and joy in just living and being. No obligation, only joy.’

I told him my joy is experienced very carefully. What I do I enjoy, but feeling the joy is something else and everything I do comes with other obligations I do not talk about yet. Like the extreme diet, or other weird circumstances I endure as a dancer. 

‘Joy from the outside is not the full package. It’s the wig of all the obligations that comes in maintaining this wonderful life of passion.’ 

love and kisses,

Leya