The Leya Papers #6 | the possible question

an evaluation of choices

image by Verawaty

Lately I’ve been questioning my choices in life more. Not that I doubt or want to quit anything, on the contrary. However, it doesn’t hurt to evaluate your way of life every once in a while. This is what a philosophy study does to your brain as is meeting other students and people in your world. 

That’s what happens when you meet people. You listen to their words, their perspective and might wonder whether that might be something for you. All the choices you make are made by yourself based on your knowledge and experience so far. When a new person comes into your life it’s like you experience a breath of fresh air which may even take on everything you always believed in. 

Never had I imagined someone like Hidde would have that effect on me and I would’ve never expected I would influence a guy like him, but it seems I do. After our talk in the night, we kept in touch and had a few dates and now it seems like we are involved with each other. I am hesitant to call him my boyfriend, but I could call him that.

Most of all I see him as lovely company to be with. I don’t think about any labels or obligations that go with it. We want to be together without any difficult rules or expectations despite being faithful to each other. Somehow being together feels and comes natural. I don’t see any other reason to turn that up and down.

Now I wonder if being a dancer is really something I want to pursue. Is dancing in silver shorts really what I want to do as a philosophy student with a boyfriend who studies economics? Is that really something that makes my parents proud? Even my biological parents? I do not always think of them, but there are moments like right now. Is this really something I want to tell my real parents when I may meet them and how would I feel? How would they feel?

I know  I would be somewhat embarrassed, but on the other hand I would think: you weren’t there. This is what I’ve chosen. It must be part of you somehow. We never know. I never know. So what do I really want?

Love and kisses,

Leya