The Leya Papers #7 | transform into trouble

not the real thing

image by Verawaty

One of the reasons I’m hesitant about relationships is they somehow influence everything you are. When I was in middle school there were a lot of classmates who were involved with someone. Being boyfriend and girlfriend somehow gave you a status at school. When I entered my fourth year, I had my first boyfriend. It wasn’t love, but we were interested and attracted to each other. We made out many times and we met often during breaks to hangout at our secret spots. He even was my first. Even the first to break my heart. I knew it was just a matter of time. Even though I was disappointed and hurt, I did let him be the one to do that to me. Maybe I just wanted him to.

The fact that he went to another girl soon, didn’t bother me and the fact he’s still with her doesn’t either. Somehow I think it will be the same with Hidde. Not that he will break my heart or hurt me in a great deal, but I do think we won’t last for a long time. That doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy his presence for now. Maybe I’m wrong, we may last forever one way or another. I hope I’m wrong, because my moments with him feel like a dream. That’s what’s making me scared.

So I run when I can and hide when I can. Keeping myself busy and letting Hidde think I am too busy for him. Which actually is the truth, because my schedule can be insane and it’s more difficult to make time to go to my parents house. However, I still go and every time I am there I don’t regret it. When I leave I feel blessed and I don’t want to go back to the insanity of parties and sparkles. 

I know I should be young. Enjoy the parties, the love, student life and all that, but I can’t enjoy knowing my mom has difficulty existing in the first place. When I am back at the club, I transform into a dancer without worries. With the greatest smile on her face, showing glamorous moves to the audience captivated by the sound of the music until it becomes part of me. Forgetting the worries, the anxieties, the pain. Even Hidde, I always forget Hidde. That’s when the trouble begins. 

Love and kisses,

Leya

Ps. Of course his name is not Hidde.